Summer Holidays

“Fish gotta swim, Birds gotta fly…” The latter is hardly an option for me so I’ll have to stick with swimming. I’m referring to the need to get trim for the summer holiday. There are people out there like Richard who go to the gym all year round – I think they refer to it as “training”. It is part of their lives rather than to improve their lives. They buy into the kit, the supplements, even the social life, which only exists amongst the hardened regular attendees of the gym (they are to be found normally in the free weights section or in the steam room and are identifiable by their large leather belts and smelling of protein – it’s an eggy sort of scent).




If you’re like me you probably exercise because you feel you need to. This need could be fuelled by a shocking realisation that you aren’t as fit now as when you were a teenager, proved beyond doubt when, climbing the escalator at the tube station, you find you’re having to spit a bloody phlegm on reaching the summit. It could however be a much more poignant reason to exercise – vanity. I’m heading off in a couple of weeks to Spain. I can’t wait – I love Spanish food, the weather is going to be a scorching 30 something and I plan to take with me a small library of holiday reads, because that’s the foundation of a summer break for me – lying on my backside reading a trashy crime novel whilst toasting my pork belly. Why haven’t local libraries cottoned on to putting sun beds in their buildings? – it would be a hit.



Don’t get me wrong; I also enjoy checking out the cultural sights and exploring the area in general. On this holiday I’m planning to check out a couple of Moorish towns and some ancient caves – check me out! But I digress, I was talking of vanity. Having worked in a health club in my youth, I know there are fundamental times in the calendar year when you can be sure of a large intake of new members. The largest is New Year. I recollect writing a little about this in my “New Year’s Resolution” blog. Another heaving intake is in the autumn; it’s the back- to-school rush. It’s funny how in our childhoods we are drilled into thinking of a new year starting in September and we take that mentality right through life. However the other major time when a Health Club sees a sudden intake of new members is when the sun comes out in early summer. It is a time when mentally we awaken from our wintry hibernation; when suddenly we find ourselves to be “morning people” and able – figuratively - to jump out of bed, rather than growl and crawl our way to the office. It is at the start of summer when either plans are made for the holiday or bookings made long ago during the snowy era we try not to think about come happily back to the fore. With these happy preparations comes the sudden realisation that our naked flesh will soon be seen on a Mediterranean beach. Whilst we try to make the best of a bad situation by sporting garish swim wear bought from the high street fashion shop, there is no denying that not only does the typical Brit’s skin tone match that of the tenderest of veal cuts from a Gordon Ramsey restaurant, it has also been storing up fat during those bleak winter months when the only option was to eat copious amounts of Indian take-aways whilst binging on vast quantities of HBO box sets.



So it’s quickly off to the gym to try and at least “tone” what we’ve got. I don’t know if you can tone muffin tops but I sure as hell am trying. Not to burst the bubble but frankly if you want to get trim for that summer holiday you’ll need to start working out long before the start of summer, but that would make me a hypocrite. So I’m trying something new this year. No more buying into the gym – it’s swimming for me. Have you seen Olympic swimmers? Talk about being broad at the shoulder, narrow at the hip etc etc. Olympic rowers are beasts; swimmers are the Adonis - and in my opinion these are the two most impressive athletes at the games.



So I swim. It’s refreshing on a warm day and I’m sure that I am nothing more than a fair weather swimmer: come the autumn, it’ll be back to the settee for me for another year. In the meantime you’ll find me at a local authority pool doing my 80 lengths (2,000m), trying not to swallow too much water and attempting not to experience “lane rage” which I have witnessed on a couple of occasions. I’ll keep you posted on how my vanity regime goes and of course on my holiday in Spain. One thing is however painfully clear: no matter how much I tone up for my holiday, I will leave with skin the colour of veal and will return with skin the colour of freshly cooked lobster – sigh…



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